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> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
> Queen Elizabeth II
>
> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
> for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
> notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
> all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
> not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor
> for America without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, and a questionnaire may be
> circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
> (You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
>
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> ————————————
>
> 2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’
> and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ with out
> skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the
> suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
> to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
> ———————————
>
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
> “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
> know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
> —————————-
>
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> ————————-
>
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
> you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
> shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or
> speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
> ———————————
>
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
> carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> ———————————
>
> 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
> of humour.
> ——————————
>
> 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
> —————————-
>
> 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
> not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
> properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
> dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
> —————————-
>
> 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
> at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer
> and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
> Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
> the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
> They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all
> can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> ——————————-
>
> 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
> “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears
> removed with a cheese grater.
> ——————————-
>
> 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby -
> the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
> ——————————-
>
> 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
> borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will
> let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
> deliveries.
> ——————————
>
> 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
> ————————-
>
> 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
> due (backdated to 1776).
> ———————-
>
> 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers
> and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
> strawberries (with cream) when in season.
>
>
> God Save the Queen.